What did you say?

One of the biggest challenges we all have in our busy work life is to truly listen to someone else. Listening to what someone says is not the same as truly hearing them.

The only way you can demonstrate to someone that you have truly heard them is to paraphrase back what they say. Paraphrasing it is not a natural act. Most of us find a lot of reasons not to do this because it feels awkward, like we may be "mocking" the person by repeating back what we heard them say. (That is not the case, incidentally.)

Maybe we should reexamine the value of good paraphrasing.

Here are some reasons why we should paraphrase what we hear before we take action:

• Paraphrasing makes the other party feel valued because they are assured someone is listening. The fact that you can play back to them exactly what you heard indicates you are truly listening.
• It make sure you "get it"--that you hear and understand what they're saying.
• You get credit for getting it--they know you're listening because you repeated it back.
• It forces you to concentrate--to stay in the moment with the other party. If you intend to paraphrase back what they say, you truly have to listen intently (as opposed to planning your next comment or question).
• Paraphrasing allows you to clear up anything you misunderstood--and that can avoid communication misfires.
• It also allows the other party to clear up anything they did not communicate clearly--it actually causes them to think more clearly.
• It encourages the other party to talk more and to give further explanation.
• It is more conversational--less interrogational. Nothing sounds more threatening to someone then when we fire a series of questions toward them with no "bumpers" between them in the form of paraphrasing.
• Paraphrasing is also great way to show empathy by playing back to the person that we heard their concern as well as the emotion behind their concern.
• It helps you stay on track and avoid getting derailed from what you intended to talk about.
• Sometimes it helps the other party hear the flaw in their argument. If they have presented a case for doing something that really does not make sense, it will sound questionable when you paraphrase it back to them as well.
• It also helps nail down commitments--when you paraphrase back to someone what you heard, you have clarified the expectation and commitment that both parties are making.
• It enables you to lead by example by communicating with others the way you would like to be communicated with. It serves as a great model for communication with customers as well.
  
  So, what you think? Is this truly an underutilized leadership skill? What could it add to better communication in your personal and work life?
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  What to do this week
  In your very next conversation, make it a point to be truly "in the moment" with the other person and listen intently to what they say. Then paraphrase back exactly what you heard and ask "Did I understand you correctly?" It sounds so simple, but it can produce great payback in better communication. Try it and let us know how it goes.